


something funny is afoot

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Illustrated, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 13:47:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7174238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'll have it be known I was begged to write this</p>
            </blockquote>





	something funny is afoot

**Author's Note:**

> there's NSFW art linked and embedded in this fic, heads up

“What’re _those_?” Roxy groaned.

“Roxy, it’s incorrect to say ‘those’ when referring to a singular item,” Jane micromanaged.

“You knew what I meant!”

“Right, well, I think we have larger concerns right now!” said Jake.

“ _Much_ larger concerns,” said Roxy.

“I don’t see what’s so funny,” said Dirk.

“Really?” said Jake. “I find the whole thing ri- _dick_ -ulous!”

Jane snorted.

[ ](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/145783533395/au-where)

“I have to be honest, Dirk,” said Caliborn. “This isn’t effective as a functional prosthesis. When you said this is what you were sending, I thought you were joking.”

“Would you say he was,” Roxy interrupted herself to laugh again, “that he was _pulling your leg_?”

Caliborn glared at her, then glared at Dirk. “What am I supposed to do with this? What use does this have?”

“You know what I think you should do?” Jake began, stage whispering to Caliborn.

“Don’t talk to me,” Caliborn said.

“You should _kick his ass!_ ”

Caliborn looked down at his right leg. “I should kick his ass with this?”

“It’s been up my ass,” said Dirk, solemnly. “And now it’s attached to your knee.”

Jane gasped. “Dirk, has it really?”

“No,” said Caliborn.

“Need I remind you that you watched me?” Dirk countered.

Caliborn sighed heavily. “I was going to give you some plausible deniability. But fine, since you’ve confirmed this fact for everyone, yes. [Yes, this has been up his ass.](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/142998944095/dirk-takes-a-chance-nsfw-art)”

“How do you even…?” Jane covered her mouth with her hand, concerned. “Dirk, shouldn’t you see a doctor?”

Dirk shrugged.

“I watched him, he went slowly, it’s fine.” Caliborn shifted his weight and stumbled. “See, this is the fucking problem.”

“I didn’t have a problem fucking it.”

“How much does that thing weigh?” Roxy asked, baffled. “That’s one hell of a fuckin’ paperweight.”

Caliborn sat on the floor and detached the large flared Chance from his leg. He tossed it to Dirk. “Here. You deal with it. I’ll figure something out.”

“How?” Jane asked.

“I’m working on it!”

Jake grinned. “Well, pal, how about you get out there and _break a leg!_ ”

“The leg jokes aren’t actually clever anymore, Jake,” said Dirk.

“I’ll give those ol’ jokes the boot, then.”

“Stop,” said Caliborn.

“Can I hold it?” said Roxy.

“Sure, catch.”

“This thing is fuckin’ huge,” said Roxy.

Jane handed Caliborn her Chowderfucker 5000. “Maybe you can engage the fork mode, and sort of… stick it into your muscle?” she suggested.

Caliborn stared at the weapon, then glanced up to Jane, unimpressed. “Truly, you are a healing class.”

“How much do we gotta pay to see you stick this _and_ the Chowderfucker up your ass, Dirk?” asked Roxy.

“I don’t think you can afford me,” Dirk noted.

“Make sure no one gets a leg up on you!” shouted Jake.

“No one thinks you’re funny!” shouted Caliborn.

“Oh, I have one of those in extra large,” said Calliope.


End file.
